The Secret is Out:

There is a stranger within our midst. Monchichiland has its first estrangero. Munkima found him rummaging in the bin behind the Red Cross shop, and felt sorry for him. Recognising that he bore a passing resemblance to Monkee Maker's creations, she brought him home, but wasn't sure what Bossman's reaction might be (dyed in the wool racist that he is) so she installed him in the potting shed and put Ruby Lou and the Ninfant in charge of his comfort and education. He was very quick to learn, and soon let them know that he required chocolate in any form, and plenty of beer; preferably not the weak stuff from Lidl he said...Once I had twigged what was going on, I had him brought up to the house and told him he could stay for a while, on probation, but he had better get used to Lidl beer, because the rest of the family get legless on gnat's pee.

As you can see, he has fitted in quite well. He is beginning to open up a little about his reasons for leaving his homeland. It seems his main reason is that he just didn't fit in. He is sure he was adopted as a baby. His mother called him PG, but in his heart he knows he is really Earl Grey. "So what should we call you then?" I asked. He considered for 10 seconds; "My Lord....?"



I'm not sure if "Get stuffed" is an insult where he comes from, but he got the message, and we came to a compromise. We shall refer to him as "EG". It seems he likes to have his photograph taken with celebrities. We don't have many of those on this particular Costa, so he settled for a snap taken with the Blues Brothers before they left for their new home down on the beach.

Bossman's Birthday;

...he's 74 today, and we have spent a busy morning, ambling from pillar to post. First stop was Lidl as they were having a clear-out sale of bazaar items, as they billed it, and their bargains are usually a good price. His birthday treat was a new drill. A very large, very heavy drill for €30. I'm not sure if he is up to using it at the moment, but if it keeps him happy, what the hell?


His eye also fell on a clear turquoise toilet seat at €7. He was optimistic that it would fit the c.1970 turquoise crapper that graces his bathroom, and as the original has a couple of splits that threaten to pinch his bum, we decided it would be money well spent. When he caught me reading the blurb on the box of a €30 sewing machine, however, he was quick to point out that I had two already, and what I really needed was a new pair of slippers for the winter...preferably with non-slip soles and a fleecy lining...and he had seen just the very ones...next to the extra large singlet vests...

Now then, how many of you are old enough to remember Hilda Baker? Her famous character Nellie had a tag line; "I must get a little hand put on this watch". In this comedy casa, it's "I must get a Lidl watch on this hand". I have had two leather strapped watches from Lidl. The battery died on the first one after two years, and the second is still going, well into its second year. I found the identical watch for €2 this morning, so now I have a reserve for when this one succumbs to old age!
After paying for our bargains we set off for Benissa and the travel agent. The 27th September is the date we have been given to claim our Government subsidised holiday, and it's first come first served. By the time we got to the office, it was jam packed with pensioners, a fair few on sticks or crutches, each clutching a form and asking each other loudly where they planned on going....In true Spanish fashion, there wasn't an orderly queue, so following tradition, I shouted "Quien es ultimo?", and a couple in the far corner waved, and pointed out who was in front of them, so we found an empty space and in our turn, owned up to being the last when the next person entered. We had paid for an hour's parking in the square, and as the hour was coming to an end, Bossman got a bit agitated. I asked the man standing next to me if he lived in Benissa, but he was from Calpe, the same as us, but I found someone who was local, and asked how strict they were about parking. Her advice was to get back to the car and renew the ticket, as the multa had just been raised from €30 to €90! Bossman volunteered to go as he hates standing around, and he returned just as the couple in front of us sat down at the desk. When our turn came, we were told we could go in October, November or December, and had a choice between one week or two, and between the Balearics, Almeria or the Costa Brava. Not a lot different from 10 days in Portugal in the Spring, our first choice! We had speculated about alternatives of course, and had ruled out anything entailing a long coach journey, and because Bossman is a home bird, he didn't want to be in a hotel for two weeks, so we requested, and got, one week in an hotel in, or close to, Palma de Majorca. An hour to the airport, 90 minutes wait, 20 minutes flying, and a 4km drive to the Hotel. When are we going? 12th to the 19th December, so I'm away for my birthday on the 17th. I seem to remember that we spent my 50th on a pensioners' special to Tenerife...
For anyone who is interested, our week's holiday; insurance, flight, transfers, full board, wine and water included, is setting us back €170 each; about £120. The Government's reasoning being that it is better to keep hotel staff gainfully employed entertaining and looking after wrinklies in warm and comfortable surroundings than to pay them unemployment benefit. For very little more money, we could have had a fortnight, but as I said, Bossman likes his own bed and his own mealtimes...

Talking of mealtimes, the natives are getting restless...and have requested chicken breast in a cream sauce with egg noodles and spinach...the new diet isn't too arduous, but he certainly knows when he strays off the prescribed path, so I doubt there will be much alcohol imbibed, well, not on his part anyway!

Saturday is Market Day, but at this time of the year, an early start is essential if one wishes to park one's steed within a 10 minute walk, and not have to carry the bags too far. Bossman says he feels like a donkey as Munkima passes him bag after bag of fruit and vegetables to hold while she does the difficult task of parting with money. Munkima believes that whenever possible she should hand over the exact amount, even if this means annoying stallholder and customer alike as she hunts for the last elusive centimo in the depths of her purse.

Today's purchases included luxury items in addition to the more mundane. A whole kilo of picota cherries, fresh from the mountains beyond the Val de L'Aguart, and 2 kilos of pink grapefruit, so sweet they can be peeled and eaten like oranges. Of course, there is sweet and there is sweet. For grapefruit, these are sweet; that is a world away from a Jaffa!

Clooney, the clever clown, says we should all eat 5 servings of fruit and veg each day. Bossman is not a fruit lover.
"Don't over-fruit me!" he cries.
"I'm not asking you to eat 5 grapefruit" said Clooney, "try 5 cherries."
"I'd rather have 5 grapes..." muttered Bossman".....the liquid ones...."

Let me introduce you to Munkima. She is pink, fluffy, sweet, kind, the perfect housewife and a marvelous mother....just like me.......and this is Bossman....nuff said.

I did take on a little of the Munkima persona today; I ironed yesterday's washing without being nagged, I remembered that Bossman wanted his winter anoraks washing, and I even remembered to check the pockets beforehand; €1.50, 3 shopping lists, 2 till receipts and 6 paper hankies; not a bad haul.

Feeling in a good mood because Bossman had let me sleep in until 7.30 before demanding that I drink the brew he had made, I then set to work with a large needle and a roll of chicken-trussing twine to sew a beach mat to the balcony railing outside the front door. Do I see your eyebrows raising? There is a simple explanation.
1. Bossman likes to position his chair to catch the breeze that comes through the front door while he watches TV.
2. He is in full view of anyone passing by in the road.
3. Bossman likes to lounge around in his skimpies when it is hot.
4. Bossman thinks people should have to pay to see his body.

As a reward, Bossman made me a bacon butty and a large expresso coffee with evaporated milk. What more could munki ask?